13 Hours in a Car with Mom

You Gotta Li’l Something There… Hold Still!

Took my Mom to get her teeth checked-out the other day… Noticed she still had some food from lunch on her chin. So, I couldn’t help myself. I had to spit on my finger and try to rub it off…

Hey! You used to do this to me. It’s just a little spit… What’s the problem?!?

Here’s to all our Mom’s and their loving spit - “The Ultimate Face Cleanser!”

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!

I Got a “Do-Over”… And It Was Sweet!

A very sweet day… It is so amazing that the attendants noticed somethings that hinted at a UT infection. We had it checked out by the Hospice Nurses and that seemed to be the case. A few days with some medication and Mom is up and alert again.

Mom had a really good day today… She was so perked up when I saw her that I decided to chance another “Facetime” attempt with my brother, Scott.

It went really well. She nodded, smiled and even said, “I love you.” A frickin’ full sentence! So glad Scott got to hear that and see her in better spirits/condition.

Shot a couple shots and then thought, “Hey, time for a family portrait!”

Hold on Tight… This Ride is Still Moving…

It is actually pretty freaky how things with Mom change from day to day… I was pretty sure it was time for “planning preparations” last week.

Today, Mom looked great! She giggled a bit. She even answered verbally “yes” and “no” to some of my questions. I talked to her about her teeth and they seem to be bothering her a bit. I asked her if it was okay to take her to the dentist next Monday and she said, “Yes.” I also fed her a bite of a Klondike bar. (Yeah, yeah, I know. That is probably why she needs to go to the dentist… But, at this point I think she should be able to eat whatever she wants.)

I was even able to make her smile again… And this time I was ready.

So cute! Hope it warms your hearts as much as it does mine! :-)

So, here we are…Listening to the “click, click, click, click” as we head back up the roller coaster to continue this ride.

Okay, everybody’s hands up?!?

Here we gooooOOOOooooooooOOOooooooo!

I May Have Missed a Moment… But, I Didn’t Miss a Thing!

Mom was in bed when I arrived Friday. She looked really sweet with that soft light on her, so I snapped a quick photo. (My photographer friends know how great white window treatments are for creating soft light… Did I say window treatments? Okay, maybe those would be my gay photographer friends. ANYWAY… It was a beautiful light! Shut up!)

Sleeping sweetly in the afternoon.

I brought a small stereo for Mom’s room to play some music from the 50’s and early 60’s. I’m not sure what music my Mom likes, but I thought she might like that.

I asked Mom if I could lie down with her. She nodded a little, so I carefully climbed onto the bed and faced her. I held her hand and started talking to her. I told her I came up with an idea and asked, “Can you squeeze my hand?” … and she squeezed my hand. “Awesome,” I said.

So, I asked another question. “I was thinking… If I ask you questions you can squeeze my hand once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’. So, do you think that would work?”

Big pause… Mom was looking into my eyes, but didn’t squeeze my hand.

“So, you’re not going to squeeze my hand, ‘yes’?” I asked… Nothing… Not even a hint of a squeeze.

“Okay, so you’re not going to answer me… That’s okay,” I said.

“Actually I kind of like this… I can say anything I want to you and you can’t talk back!” I said.

Mom grinned a huge grin and her eyes squinted. Her face and shoulders started shaking and it was clear she was laughing, even though she didn’t make a sound.

“Oooooh, so you CAN understand me can’t you?!?” I said tauntingly, and then I started to laugh loudly because her face was so adorable!

Mom just kept smiling.

“I’m on to you lady!” I added pointing at her.

Then as I looked at her face, I thought… “Crap, I should take a picture of her face!” By the time I got my phone up, most of her smile was gone.

Mom’s expression was almost gone, but a peaceful calm was still there.

It was a missed moment photographically, but such an wonderful thing to experience - knowing that Mom could understand what I was saying…

So freakin’ awesome!

Things Progress as They Are Meant to Progress, I Guess…

I finally upgraded to an iPhone 5. I also talked to my brother, Scott, about trying a thing called “Facetime” together with Mom on our iPhones. It is like video conferencing… Didn’t really think this through properly. I really should have done this last week when Mom was a little bit better.

A little “Facetime” experiment with Mom and my bro… Not my most successful idea to date. :-/

Ya see, Mom has been in a little pain for the last week. The nurses have been giving her small doses of morphine to hopefully ease her pain.

This morning the nurse said Mom had been declining quite a bit. I came back in the evening to do the “Facetime” thing with my brother. I just kind of jumped in and started the video conference feature without really thinking about it. I thought Mom might perk up when she saw Scott, but she was kind of zoned out. Mom seemed to have declined a little more since I saw her this morning. When I realized it, we were already looking at Scott on the iPhone and he was looking at us… He tried to interact with Mom and asked her to smile… I did see her nod slightly in acknowledgement of a couple questions, but she was so blank. Like I said, I didn’t really think this one through very well.

I could feel my brother’s concern after a few sentences and suggested I call him in a few minutes and we ended the call.

I excused myself and went into the hallway where there are a couple chairs and sat for a while with my emotions. I spoke with the nurse about Mom’s current state. Tried to get a feel for where we are heading. She said that Mom is still eating a little bit and that was good. The nurse also said that if Mom stops eating she would probably have about a week to go.

So, I sat some more in the hallway and gathered my thoughts.

I texted my brother with the new info from the nurse. He texted back, “Ok… For the record… I was not prepared for that!” (He was referring to the Facetime experiment.)

I texted him back, “Actually, You and me both… Have been in the hallway crying for a while. Now back with Mom trying to hold it together.”

He responded, “Hold it together lil bro… I’m here.”

Have I mentioned lately how frickin’ awesome my brother is?!?

After Mom was taken to dinner, my brother and I talked for a while. He said that it was heart-wrenching to see Mom like that. I apologized and said that Facetime was probably not the best idea I’ve come up with… He laughed and said “Yeah, we didn’t really think that one through completely, did we?”

My brother is a saint… So, understanding. I feel fully supported and loved by him. We’ve had conversations about logistics for when… at such time… Mom passes. It is so great to be able to talk openly about our feelings, how we want things to be handled logistically, and what we are committed to do regarding Mom and all of it.

I gotta tell ya, having siblings commit to the higher good of their parents and each other is sooooooo important when dealing with the care of aging parents… I have been blessed with my brother who supports me and worries about me during this adventure. I’ve enjoyed the journey, although at times I feel I could have made better choices or could be doing it better. I guess that comes with that whole “being human” thing. :-)

If and when you are faced with caring for a parent, support your siblings and focus on loving the process. (i.e. Don’t fight over nickels and dimes or misunderstandings and misinformation… Talk to each other for Pete’s sake! :-)

Mom was pretty weak today. So, I just held her hand gently and sat with her for a while.

Also, I would highly recommend that all y’all take a course called the Landmark Education Forum… (www.landmarkeducation.com) It is their first course of many amazing courses about what it is to be human, about communication and about creating lives that work. (And in my opinion, work joyously… Even when times may not be so “joyous” by society’s standards.) Although there is still some sadness that shows up from time to time, my mind is so at peace with the process. I’m at peace with the way my Mom is departing this world. I was also amazingly complete with my Dad when he passed in 2008. I have received so much from the courses at Landmark Education. At the top of my list of acknowledgements to them is the peace and joy that has been able to come to the surface in my life, especially in the midst of these crazy conversations we all have about aging, dying and death.

We really don’t deal well with death as human beings… And it is such a huge and wonderful part of life… And, we’re all heading there. So, thank you Landmark Education for the gift of seeing past the drama and the “It’s not supposed to be this way.” conversations and my expanded capacity to be free and present for my Mom (and Dad) in a way that honors them and has me finding joy as this journey continues.

Have a great week y’all. I’ll do my best to keep you informed on Mom’s current status and how our journey progresses.

Rick

What to do when Mom seems blue…

When Mom was living with me, I used to do my best to make her smile and/or laugh. I had one little practice that would do that. As her dementia progressed and she was moved into her own apartment in an assisted living facility, the practice had slipped my mind. But, I was inspired the other day when I saw video clip from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. So, I thought I would learn what I saw and start the practice again…

Sometime Brushing Mom’s Hair is a Zen-Like Experience…

Mom allows me to brush her hair sometimes… It’s an intimate, zen-like moment…

Well, at least for the first minute…

A Little Joy from My Big Bro…

My Big Bro (Scott) has been a great partner in over-seeing my Mom’s caregiving… We have had great conversations. He always worries that he’s not doing enough and I’m always worrying that I’m not doing it right. We are both in agreement that it is all moving forward well and that we are committed to our Mom’s final days/weeks/years being pleasant and filled with love and giggles.

Thought I’d document Mom’s receiving of Scott’s birthday card… Fun times… Fun times…

It may be just as exciting (Read: annoying) for you as it was for Mom. :-)

Mom Turns 77!

Mom had her birthday recently…

Red Velvet Cupcakes!

She was surprised that it was her birthday… And, even more surprised that it was her 77th!

One Down… 31 to Go… Eesh!

Mom had a tooth pulled recently… That’s what happens when one doesn’t brush their teeth and also doesn’t let anyone else do it. We can still get her to rinse, so that helps… But, it looks like we are on a little dental journey here.

They had to put her out…

Mom has been gritting her teeth and not letting people clean or examine them for about 8 months-ish. Luckily the dental surgeon has an x-ray machine that moves around a patient’s head. Gritting her teeth wasn’t a problem for that. Since there was a tooth that needed to be extracted, he tried to get a look at it, but it was a “No go!” with Miss Jenny!

The dental surgeon said it wasn’t a problem. He would be able to get inside her mouth after she was “out”… After the surgery, he said he had never had this happen before… When Mom was out she still gritted her teeth and wouldn’t let him in. He had to wedge a tongue depressor in there and turn it so he could open her mouth… She’s stubborn even in dreamland!

It took her a while to wake up, but all went well. She had some gauze on a string that needed to be changed after a couple hours. It was time to take her home to rest.

She wouldn’t let me take out or change the gauze… So, I sat there for a while. Then, I look over and there is this bloody wad sitting on her chest and on her shirt. “You booger!” I said. She just smiled. She wouldn’t let me put more gauze in.

In the days that followed, Mom was more alert and chipper. It seems she is healing up fine.